The marketing campaign for Gretel & Hansel is completely misleading. To say it's 'criminal' would be overstating the sin, but to say it has cost the film positive buzz, word of mouth, and actual butts in seats will prove 100% accurate. Mark my words.
Nobody wants to watch some foul old witch tug a meter of braided hair from her mouth, but, thankfully, that was only about four seconds of the film, and hardly representative of the narrative.
I shall leave it at that and spoil no more.
As for me, I personally had no advance interest in seeing the flick, but my back and butt hurt, I was ravenous, and the time worked out, so off I went to graze and recline.
Turns out the film features rather stilted yet beautifully philosophical dialogue, more ominousness and foreboding than anything approaching real horror, zero children-eating, no evil beyond a few creepy pentagrams carved in trees, luscious cinematography (Ireland, again, just like The Turning), but also an unrecognizably clever re-telling of the all too familiar fairy tale, and a VERY surprisingly kick-ass musical score!
Had I known the film would feel like Legend, The Witch, Mandy, and Stranger Things in a blender with Brian Ferry, Simple Minds, and Tangerine Dream, you can bet your bottom dollar I woulda arrived 24 hours earlier to camp overnight and be first in line to eagerly fork over my five bucks to get in.
What an irrevocable, absolute shame this unique film's box office lifespan will be briefer than a mayfly's and universally scorned. Some people have no vision.
On the off chance my passionate rant doesn't fall on completely deaf ears and one of you cinemaniacs wishes to know more, Gretel & Hansel was scored by the mononymous “Rob” (aka Robin Coudert), who also scored Revenge, Horns, Troy: Fall of a City, and Planetarium. The interesting screenplay was written by Brian Kavanaugh-Jones (Sinister and Midnight Special), and our little sojourn into the woods was produced by none other than La La Land’s Fred Berger.
One last Easter egg: See you in the morning!